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Responding to Sexual Behaviors in Children

First let me say that I am so sorry you have discovered that your child might be having adult like sexual behavior, for many caregivers this is devastating.  A typical response is to either minimize the behaviors with the belief, “its no big deal, they won’t remember this” or go the other extreme and worry that their child is “destined to grow up to be a sexual pervert”.  The good news is that you are on this website looking for answers and I hope you can keep an open mind as you are looking at information.   Keep in  mind that if you have your own history of sexual trauma or sexual behaviors, this is likely a “blind spot” for you and you will need feedback from an outside source, this may be a friend, older relative, pastor, doctor or school counselor.  There are many good family therapists out there who can help you figure out if this behavior is a serious problem or not.  Here are a few resources to help you right now.

  1. www.ncsby.org  National Center on Sexual Behavior of Youth. The overall goal of the National Center on Sexual Behavior of Youth is to provide information and support through national training to help children and adolescents with problematic sexual behavior.  Best website for caregivers, all information is updated and current with best practices.
  2. “Understanding Children’s Sexual Behaviors, What Natural and Healthy”, by Toni Cavanagh Johnson, Ph.D – booklet for $3.00 obtained from www.TCavJohn.com
  3. South Eastern CASA, an Australian sexual assault center website has a 44 page booklet called “Age Appropriate Sexual Behaviours in Children and Young People”. Includes chart and research and information to explain PSB in children. Their booklet is found on the NCSBY website: http://www.ncsby.org/sites/default/files/Age-appropriate-behaviours-book.pdf

If you would like to know how to respond to something , here is a handout that can give you some guidance.  As you can tell when reading this, the most important thing is to remain calm and limit your emotional response in front of your child.  Yes, you are freaking out on the inside, and that’s OK, get that out first by whatever method works for you , then talk to your child.

Good Luck!!

click on this link for more info…..Responding to sexual behaviors in children

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10 Commandments When Treating Sexual Abuse

click on this link to download or print this information, the basics of treating Child Sexual Abuse, always good to remember the basics.

10 command treat CSA

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Decision Cards

FOR CONTROLLING URGES AND MAKING WISE CHOICES

Here is a resource that therapists can  use to help kids manage their urges so they do not make UNWISE choices.  I have specifically chosen NOT to use the words “unhealthy”, “poor”, “wrong” or “negative” to describe the option of making a choice that is regrettable.   I have chosen the word UNWISE because the thinking part of  the brain is not as involved in the choice as the emotional part  of the brain or other parts of the limbic system.  As adults we make UNWISE choices everyday and we can not expect kids to be better at this skill that we are.   But kids are learning how to manage their thought processes and these cards can remind them from outside their own brain, the things to think about when learning to control an urge.  These cards can be used with struggles with stealing, looking at pornography, non-suicidal self harm, masturbation or over eating; basically anything in which the person feels compelled to make an UNWISE choice.  The attachment shows an example of the ideas I have used with my clients.  You are free to use whatever cards you would like.

click here:  URGE DECISION CARDS

Use this photo to help you understand how they can be assembled.

You might want to recopy the items onto smaller cards and put them onto a metal ring so the youth can carry them around.

Even better, have caregivers use these cards so they can improve decision making and controlling urges.

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A Letter to Caregivers About Supervision and Safety

Dear Caregiver:

This letter will explain the process of developing a “Therapeutic Supervision Plan” for your family and your child who has concerning sexual behavior.  You have probably just begun treatment and might still be in shock over the discovery that your child or teen has engaged in sexual behavior.  Until all the dynamics surrounding the sexual behavior is figured out in therapy, it is essential that your child be strictly supervised for the first 3 months.  If your child or teen is showing good judgment and following the rules, changes in the level of supervision will be considered. One thing that will likely never change is that the youth with Problematic Sexual Behavior (PSB) can never ever be alone with the child he/she has abused until that child is 18 or 19.  This is the one rule that is consistent and constant for every client and family when there is sexual behavior between the children, even if they are the same age. I understand that this is likely a hardship on you, the caregivers and I will do all I can to support you.

Therapeutic Supervision Plans are different than the other plans from providers.

If you are involved in Juvenile Court, there are likely other rules your youth is expected to follow.  Child Protective Services also asks families to commit to providing physical safety for the children in the home and they may have asked you to comply with a “Safety Plan”.  Safety Plans may include having door alarms or requiring separate bedrooms.  The “Therapeutic Supervision Plan” is different from a CPS Safety Plan because it is designed to meet different goals. I want to make sure that all the requirements and rules for your family do not conflict with each other.  Sometimes, I can help other agencies or providers understand that a rule might not be therapeutic and needs to be adjusted.  The Therapeutic Supervision Plan is a joint effort between me, the therapist, the youth and all caregivers.

Therapeutic Supervision is NOT for punishment, it’s for safety.

One of the most important things I want you to hear is that a “Therapeutic Supervision Plan” is NOT punishment, although it might FEEL restrictive to all involved.  A very serious thing has happened, sexualized misbehavior, and something has to change in order to prevent this from happening again.  The first thing that needs to change is the level of supervision.    The number one thing that prevents problematic sexual behavior is adequate supervision by adults, primarily because the adult is there to help the youth learn new social skills, manage their feelings and give guidance with problems “in the moment” that they are happening.  I know it might seem as if you are being punished for something your child has done, and it does not feel fair.  I get it, and I am happy to meet with you alone to talk about this issue more.  As caregivers, taking away privileges or giving consequences is the gold standard for handling ordinary misbehaviors.  Severe punishments such as endless grounding, spanking or denial of all privileges will not help this kind of problem.  This type of misbehavior (PSB) is based in emotional difficulties and needs to be solved with therapeutic interventions.  Overly harsh statements, comments or punishments will actually make things worse for your child’s ability to have healthy sexual behavior in the future. If this has already happened, please let me know IN PRIVATE so we can make changes without any loss of “authority” in your family.

Rationales for supervision

Your child or teen is likely to groan and complain about being watched (supervised) and may throw out the “don’t you trust me?” argument.  Please hold firm, you are the adult and therapeutic supervision is not about trust, it is about safety.  For example, every child or teen wears a seatbelt while riding in a car. The seatbelt is there to protect them in case of a car accident, not because you “don’t have trust” and expect a car accident.  Therapeutic supervision will keep your child or teen safe in case of an accidental inappropriate sexual situation.  Supervision of your child is similar to other examples of having new rules to provide safety or prevent future problems such as: TSA procedures at airports, drug testing from employers, or having only one location in your home for the car keys, which you place there every! single! time!

Another rationale for direct supervision is to limit the chances of a false allegation or misunderstanding about the motivation or nature of a behavior.  For example, if another child complains or over exaggerates an interaction, an adult is available to verify the situation and give more context to what really happened.  Most importantly, depending on the circumstances and age of your child or teen, another legal charge or allegation of sexual assault may mean that outpatient treatment is no longer be an option.  It is likely that a youth will be arrested and put into a detention center or sent to a residential treatment facility.  Direct supervision will reduce the chance of a youth having the opportunity or temptation to engage in another unhealthy sexual act. On a more positive note, if everyone is adhering to the Therapeutic Supervision Plan, all family members can relax and be less worried about another incident of sexual abuse; which means there will be more time to enjoy each other and improve relationships.  This is what I refer to as Emotional Safety, which just so happens to be a key factor in making progress in treatment.

Direct supervision means D-I-R-E-C-T supervision

The first thing on the list of expectations for you is that the supervision will be “Eye Line of Sight” or “Within Ear Shot”.  Eye Line of Sight means that you are able to see your child or teen interact with others, by simply lifting your head. There is a direct line of sight between your eyes and their eyes; you will not have to move one step.  Within Ear Shot means that you can hear what the children are talking about, even if you pretend not to notice.  This will help you to know what is happening with the child or teen and then you can intervene to: teach social skills, help with sharing or conflict resolution, or stop sexualized talk or behavior.  If you must leave the room, to answer the phone or use the restroom, please make arrangements so the youth with PSB is not left alone with another child.  I will help you accomplish this with grace and skill so the interaction seems natural and is not noticeable to others.  The goal is to provide safety without increasing the level of shame for the child with PSB.

This level of supervision might seem extreme, but unfortunately, not maintaining this level will put your child or others at risk.  Other children I have known have tried to touch each other sexually while riding the back seat of a car or under the table a restaurant, so I have learned that we cannot be TOO careful.  This highest level of supervision will not last longer than what is absolutely necessary.  However, if this level of supervision is really too much for you, I understand.  But that might mean your child or teen will have to live somewhere else, where there are no other children.

 Therapeutic Supervision is always evolving based on needs.

While we do all we can to make the level of supervision appropriate for your child or teen’s problem solving skills and maturity level, there is almost always the need to “tweak” the plan as treatment continues. There are often situations that require the type of supervision to be increased or decreased, which will be discussed during a family therapy session.  Any school aged child is expected to be generally compliant with the plan (especially if they are involved in creating it) and caregivers are expected to implement the plan 99.5% of the time. Although this is the goal, let’s face it, “life happens” and occasionally the supervision plan is not or cannot be followed by you, the caregiver.  Please don’t be fearful or embarrassed to tell me about a glitch in the supervision or if the plan is not practical, it does not mean your child will be removed.  Plus, if we can identify possible solutions during a family session, it would be a good opportunity to role model how to admit mistakes and use negotiation skills to prevent issues in the future. My goal is to modify the plan based on what you and your child and your family needs, which is probably changing day to day.   Lastly, your child is not likely to comply with all the rules of our plan 100% of the time either, so please respond to any non-compliance in a calm manner.  We can talk about what kind of consequence, if any, should be given to your child if they break a rule.  Most likely, something needs to be changed, and it takes some trial and error to figure it all out, so don’t panic if your child is not able to comply with the plan, there may be something else going on.

 Find the right person to supervise in a therapeutic way.

Sometimes it is necessary to have other adults supervise your child or teen with problematic sexual behavior.  We recommend that this be an adult who has basic knowledge of your child’s problem and agrees to comply with the level of supervision needed with compassion.  Many behaviors that lead to problems seem innocent on the surface and would not raise a red flag to the average person.   Older siblings or young adults may not be suited for this type of supervision and should be discussed on a case by case basis.  Younger siblings should never be put in the role of supervising a youth with PSB; this alters the family dynamic and creates an unhealthy balance among siblings that could facilitate other types of problems.  It may or may not be helpful to inform school personnel of your child’s problematic sexual behavior. If the school requests a “school safety plan”, please discuss this with me as this document will likely remain in your child’s permanent school record and sometimes I can help the school manage this is a different way.

Therapeutic Supervision is intended to improve other relevant areas of concern.

We hope and expect families to do more than just intensely supervise their child or teen.  Your child probably has at least 6 to 10 factors that have contributed to their problem with sexuality.  These issues also need to be addressed and many families implement a host of “New Rules” for their family.  For example, you may find it helpful to enforce rules such as modesty and monitoring of technology for every child in the family, not just the youth with PSB. There are also “growth skills”, which allow your child to “grow” into a healthy adult; for example, developing healthy pro-social friendships, participating in school events or improving family relationships. In these cases, it maybe necessary to change the therapy schedule or find alternatives to consequences in order for the growth skills to continue.  Not all of the “New Rules” will be listed on the Therapeutic Supervision Plan, so be sure you talk with me about which rules are the most critical for your child’s situation.

Other documents on my website, www.sheryloverby.com that will help in knowing which therapeutic issues to focus on are:

  1. New Rules after Problematic Sexual Behavior(PSB)
  2. Sexual Respect for Young Children under 10
  3. Vulnerability Factors for Youth with PSB
  4. Sexual Boundaries in the Foster or Adoptive home
  5. Supervising Social Interactions
  6. 11 Rules about Private Parts that May Prevent Sexual Abuse

One step at a time.

For the first draft of your Therapeutic Supervision Plan, we will focus on sexual respect and direct, line of sight supervision, that’s it.  We will include common problem areas relevant to all kids with PSB plus individualized concerns based on the information presented at your intake appointment.  In 3 months, we will update the plan, review areas of concern, areas of strength and level of supervision needed.  There is so much information to remember at the beginning of treatment, don’t be afraid to ask for a written copy of anything I recommend. To be honest, I write up most of my therapeutic interventions anyway so I don’t forget either.   You are welcome to go to my website and download anything that may be helpful to you.  I’ll  keep a copy of the Therapeutic Supervision Plan in my file in case you need another copy.  Remember, for now, focus on sexual respect and line of sight supervision while we are learning the privacy rules and I’m here to help you with every step.

 

Best Regards,

Sheryl Overby, MS NCC LIMHP

Child and Family Therapist

 

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Privacy Rules

 

Each family and situation is unique and The Privacy Rules can be tailored to suit your individual needs.  Please consider the development, emotional maturity and past behavior of the child.   I recommend that the child or family make their own poster by choosing which cards to use and what the title should be.  Then they can use their own creativity to decorate it and post it in the home.  If you would rather just download the list, then that is fine too.   Please read the post on this site called “The 9 Rules about Private Parts that may Prevent Sexual Abuse” for more information on how to explain the privacy rules to children.  http://sheryloverby.com/9-rules-private-parts/ 

Hover your mouse over the titles and click on them to be linked to a PDF that you can print out and use.

The basic Privacy Rules for anyone who will grow up someday, own a mobile device or know how to use google images.  privacy rules cards

The Privacy Rules for pre-teens or anyone who has at least one underarm hair, or thinks the pictures on the other cards are way too dumb for them.  The youth can make their own title and decorate the numbers and keep the list safely hidden where no peer can find it….which is fine, as long as they follow the rules.   privacy rules no clipart

Credit for knowing about privacy rules goes to the lovely folks at Oklahoma University and NCSBY.

Enjoy.

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The Link Between Sexual Abuse and Sexual Offending

The Link Between Sexual Abuse and Sexual Offending

Sheryl Overby MS LIMHP

 

It’s really difficult to know if you should be worried about your child after they have been sexually abused in some way. It’s important not to over react, or under react. You should be prepared to have issues with sexuality in some fashion as the child grows into a teen, starts dating and eventually has their own children. But, THERE IS NO PROOF THAT BEING SEXUALLY ABUSED WILL LEAD TO THAT PERSON BEING A SEXUAL ABUSER either as child, teen or adult. Here are some statistics that might help.

  • Some children do react to their sexual abuse by doing sexual things to other children.  The legal term for this is child on child sexual assault.  Therapists call this sexually reactive. These kids can be helped by counseling and have a reduced risk that they will sexually abuse again in the future.
  • Physical abuse of the child or domestic violence in the home is just as traumatic for the child as a history of sexual abuse. All of these factors maybe related (not the only cause) to children who have problematic sexual behavior (PSB).
  • Most kids who have been sexually abused have also had other types of abuse or difficult home life, so it is very difficult to find out exactly what is causing their problems.
  • 13 different studies that involved 1353 children, who were sexually abused, 35% of preschool aged children had sexual behavior problems, and 11% of school age kids had sexual behavior problems.
  • Some studies regarding adult sex offenders indicate that 60 to 70% of them were sexually abused as children.  However, other studies which included polygraph testing of their sexual abuse history found that approximately 20 to 30 % of adult sex offenders were sexually abused as children.
  • Most experts agree that adult sex offenders commonly have difficult childhoods, which included a combination of emotional, physical and sexual abuse.
  • 5 to 10 % of adolescents with sexual behavior problems have true sexual deviancy, so they will have problems with these issues for a very long time.
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Release Stress in a Helpful Way (for kids)

Release Stress in a Helpful Way

Adapted directly From “What to do when your Temper Flares” by Dawn Huebner, Ph.D.

Active Method

Stress is like fuel in your body, you need to get rid of it by burning it off. One way is to have physical activity, something that gets your heart rate up and breaks a sweat and takes about 15 minutes. This method works best if you’re focused on the activity itself or on something unrelated to whatever you are unhelpful about. To get unhelpful thoughts out of your head during the physical activity, count in your head, sing out loud, or say a word over and over again.

Plan ahead to have an activity in mind that you can do at home, at school and when you are outside. Sometimes it even helps if you have an activity planned that you don’t need special permission for, such as jumping on a trampoline, or running up and down the stairs in your house.

Quiet Method

Sometimes it’s better do something to slow down the stress, something relaxing and private. There are three methods, Stretch, Squeeze and Tap. You should try each method to see which one you like best. You can practice every day even if you are not feeling unhelpful, then it will be easier to do when you are upset. IF YOU DO NOT PRACTICE WHEN YOU ARE CALM, IT IS NOT LIKELY THAT IT WILL WORK WHEN YOU ARE UPSET. You will have to retrain your body and your brain, but it will work if you don’t give up and practice about every day for two weeks.

Breathing is an important part of each of the quiet methods. The kind of breathing that works the best starts by taking in breath through your nose. Breathe in very deep, all the way into the bottom of your stomach, and count slowly in your head 1, 2, 3. Then breathe out, keeping your mouth closed and count slowly in your head, 1, 2, 3, 4. The out-breath is a little longer than the in-breath. This will take practice, as it is different than regular breathing. It’s ok to open your mouth a little until you get the hang of it.

Some people like to imagine smelling something really good like _______________________. When you breathe in imagine the good smell and when you breath out, imagine the stress slowly leaving your body like red hot smoke. Either counting or imagining a good smell will help you stop focusing on the thing that was making you upset, it is very important to get the stress out of your mind as well as your body.

With the breathing you can do one of 3 things, STRETCH, SQUEEZE OR TAP.

CHOICE 1: STRETCH

1. Stretch your arms up over your head. Reach your fingertips for the ceiling; breathe in 1-2-3 and out 1-2-3-4.

2. Put your hand on your shoulders with your elbows pointed out to the side. Breathe in as you twist slowly to one side, breath out as you twist to the other side. Twist back and forth, gently stretching your body with each twist. Keep breathing.

3. Now, clasp your hands behind your back. Bend forward while you bring your arms up and behind you, stretching gently to raise your arms toward the ceiling. Breathe in 1-2-3 and out 1-2-3-4 once and then again, twice.

4. Straighten up and drop your hands to your sides. Roll your head gently to one side, then the other, back and forth, keep breathing.

CHOICE 2: SQUEEZE

1. Grab a pillow, and suck in a big lungful of air. While you are breathing in, squeeze the pillow as tightly as you can. Even if it’s a small pillow, put your whole body into the squeeze. Tighten your arms around the pillow, scrunch up your face, and stiffen the muscles in your legs. Keep your whole body in that giant squeeze while you breathe in and count 1-2-3 in your head.

2. Loosen your grip on the pillow and relax everything while you breathe out, counting 1-2-3-4.

3. Stay relaxed, no squeezing this time, and do one more slow, deep breath in 1-2-3 and out 1-2-3-4.

4. Breathe in and squeeze again, just like in #1 and repeat steps 1 to 3.

5. Do this pattern a total of 5 times, with breathing in and squeezing, breathe out and relax. Make sure you do a relaxing breath without squeezing in between.

CHOICE 3: TAP

1. Cross your arms to make an X over your chest. Tap your right shoulder with your left hand, and then your left shoulder with your right hand. As you tap, count in your head. Tap once for each number you say to yourself.

2. Breathe slowly but don’t count your breaths, you have to count your taps instead.

3. Keep going— right, left, right, left, right, left, tapping back and forth, over and over again, counting until you get to 100. This may seem like a big number, but just try it and you will see it only takes about 2 minutes.

4. Keep your arms crossed and take two extra breaths, slow and relaxing, in and out through your nose. In 1-2-3 and out 1-2-3-4, pause then do it again, in 1-2-3 and out 1-2-3-4.

5. Do the taps one more time, right, left, right left, with arms crossed, counting to 100.

 

Great, now all you have to do is try each method one time and pick one to start with for practice. If you don’t practice when you are calm, you won’t be able to slow your body down when you are upset. Practice at least once a day for 10 days. Also, try to practice when your body or heart is revved up due to exercise instead of stress because that will be the best practice of all. If the method you picked doesn’t work try a different method. Even if this doesn’t help your stress all the time, if it helps a little, it is still worth it to try.

Get the book “What to do when your Temper Flares” by Dawn Huebner, Ph.D. for more information

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Mantras for Parents of Teens

Mantras for Parents of Teens

Sheryl Overby, MS LIMHP

1. We have to raise the kids we have, not the kids we were

This is a new day and age, and although we think the way we grew up or was parented worked pretty good, it most likely will not work in today’s society, culture and educational system. Kids are taught starting in preschool to have critical thinking skills, so they are learning to think for themselves and evaluate situations on their own. This will be great when resisting peer pressure, but it also means they will be less likely to follow your advice just “because I said so”.

2. It’s harder for them than it is for us

I know parenting is really hard and sometimes you have to put up with so many hassles that you wonder why you wanted to have kids in the first place. But no matter how hard it is for parents, it is much harder to be a kid, and especially a teenager today. They have more pressures than prior generations, including being asked in 8th grade to choose their career paths and the issues with social media are unprecedented. If you don’t believe me, check out a book by Chap Clark, Hurt Kids 2.0

3. It’s not about you, they just take it out on you

Kids have a tough time managing their emotions, and they have to spend all day at school being calm, following directions and managing the peer social strata of high school or middle school. Kids get about 500 commands a day, plus the hormones which lead to mood swings. They are literally “fried” when they get home from school. My 12 year old daughter yelled at me one day when asked how her day at school was. I could have punished her for “being disrespectful”, but instead I gave her some time to cool down and gently approached the subject again later. Come to find out, the boy she had a crush on did not say “hi” to her in the hallway that day at school. I know, seems silly as an adult, but to her this was devastating and her disrespect had nothing to do with me.

4. Timing is everything

One of the key lessons I learned the hard way was to always ask first before talking to my teens and pre-teens. Whether I just wanted to chat or focus on a problem behavior or a teaching moment, I eventually learned to ask if “this is a good time to talk?” The key word is “time” as they don’t always get a choice to talk, just a choice on when to talk. If a kid is not in the mood to talk and you go ahead, it will very likely turn out badly, trust me.

5. They have their own brain

Your children are not little robots, and therefore, can not be completely controlled by you. Whether we like it or not, they have their own brain and they are able to use it to make their own decisions. This is the nature vs. nurture argument. It is very important how you interact with your child and develop a relationship. But it’s also important to remember that you can’t control everything. If you have a kid who is compliant and eager to please, thank your lucky stars. You might want to take credit for it, but it’s actually more likely that it’s part of their “natural bent”. I had 3 kids; one was rebellious, one was worried about being perfect and so was compliant and one just complied because she wanted to. Not scientific proof, but true.

6. Their brains are the reason.

A child’s brain (mostly the pre-frontal cortex) does not fully mature until they are 24 or 25. This part of the brain manages their ability to make good decisions, plan ahead and problem solve. This is a developmental thing, just like learning to walk, parents have almost no control over when it actually happens. So based on this fact, the following mantras apply:

a. You can’t fix lack of maturity

They are going to make dumb decisions, its not a matter of IF, it’s a matter of WHEN and WHAT KIND, so don’t be surprised when they… don’t use their book for an open book test, pick a loser boyfriend or want to buy a $400 dress for their Junior prom.

b. Don’t expect them to plan ahead, for anything

Planning ahead is an adult thing, not a kid thing. You can help train them, but it will not come naturally until they are out of college. They especially have a hard time deciding what to do when they go out as a group as teens. The best you can expect is that they tell you where they end up, not where they are going. Since they literally change their minds on the way to place X     to go to place Y instead. Hopefully they have good critical thinking skills that they have honed since preschool and will have a way to get out of bad situation if needed.

c. They are more likely to learn from their own mistakes

You can preach, lecture, give consequences and scold, but kids who learn from their own mistakes are more likely to actually remember the lesson. It is so painful to watch as parents, because you know if they just listened to you, you could save them heartache and pain. But, what was the best way you learned?

7. Find a parenting mentor with kids about 5-7 years older than yours.

Parents with kids younger than yours or much older won’t be nearly as helpful as those who have just survived the stage you are in. Friends or family who don’t have kids or who have younger kids have all sorts of advice, and are happy to think they are experts, but they don’t really understand what it is like. When you talk to parents of kids that are just a few years older, they give very little advice and are more likely just to pat you on the shoulder and remind you that you will live through it. Since the truth is, every kid is completely different, and what works in one family, may or may not work in another. And if you talk to grandparents or folks with much older kids, they have forgotten how difficult it is and have these nice sweet remembrances and memories; which is not much comfort either.

8. If I let my teenager live, I will have grandchildren some day.

I know this is a morbid thought, but having teenagers was the hardest time for me. Every parent has a favorite stage of parenting and mine was everything but adolescence. The mantra that got me through lots of frustration during the teen years was the potential to enjoy grandchildren. I even found a plaque that said “you have children to love and grandchildren to love you back”.

9. Always “reset” the relationship

It is tempting to have an argument with your child, then wake up the next day and just go on as if nothing happened. With younger kids, they might forget, but teenagers won’t. The relationship has to be reset. This might mean an in-depth conversation with both parties apologizing, or might mean a simple gesture of sending heart emojis in a text. But there has to be a way to validate the relationship is back on track and you are there to be their safety net and coach. Here are some questions to ask yourself to get over the resistance of initiating the “reset” button. Do you want your child to come to you if they are in an abusive relationship? Do you want your child to call you if they are stuck at a party with no ride home? Do you want to walk your child down the aisle at his/her wedding? Do you want or help your child buy his/her first car?

10. Get a second opinion

If you are a single parent, please find an accountability partner or mentor to help you stay on track. It might be nice to have complete control over parenting decisions, but the downside is that there isn’t anyone there to help you know if you are over reacting or under reacting. And one or the other happens almost all the time. Getting a second opinion will prevent regrettable parenting decisions and the need to go back on your word. Another way to prevent this is wait to decide about major decisions for 24 hours, most people have a clearer head after a good nights sleep and more time to think about the right thing to do.

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Top Ten Things About PSB Treatment

If you are considering getting treatment for a child with Problematic Sexual Behavior (PSB), these are some of the things I think all caregivers  should know.

1. You are not alone, you are not the cause.

Realizing that your child has a sexual behavior problem can be one of the most  difficult things a parent can face. Sibling sexual abuse occurs 5 times more often  than adult/child incest.  Sadly, this puts a parent in the almost unbearable situation of trying to meet the needs of both children.  There are many factors related to the cause of childhood sexual behaviors; and caregivers may have some degree of responsibility with some of those factors. But,  yourchild is also responsible for his/her behavior.  Figuring it all out is tough, attending a class with others in your situation may be very helpful.

2. Your child depends on you to face the truth.

I’m guessing a part of you wants to avoid this whole subject.  There mayalso be a part of you that is very concerned.  The first step is to get a thorough evaluation by a professional.  Some behaviors maybe considered natural and healthy, but others are coercive or abusive.  Perhaps there has been exposureto unhealthy sexuality.  Most families need a neutral party, outside of the family, to help investigate the complex and embarrassing subject of sexual behavior in children.  Even if it never happens again, without some type of intervention, your child may suffer long term emotional consequences.  It’s hard, but you CAN handle the truth.

3.Talking about sexuality with a child is awkward.

Some caregivers get very nervous knowing that their child will be in treatment talking about sexual things.  Talk to your child’s therapist.  You can work out a plan in which your family’s values can still be implemented in the area of sexuality, even if your child has sexual behavior problems.  However, you must be willing to talk to your child in a healthy way that does not create more feelings of shame for past behavior.  The best place to start is to get a good book for sex education.   Research has shown that talking about healthy sexuality and sexual respect actually REDUCES the chance of sexual behavior problems in the future

4. A good therapist is hard to find.

 There are hundreds of therapists and just as many theories about the best way to provide treatment. Certainly, a key component is finding someone you respect and feel comfortable with.  A good clue that a therapist has NOT had recent training will be if they use old terminology such as: adolescent sex offender, perpetrator/perp, or molester.   More information about choosing a good therapist can also be found on the website for the National Child Traumatic Stress Network http://www.nctsnet.org/

5. Treatment works better if the caregivers are involved.

Research has shown that the number one thing that helps kids succeed in treatment is their caregivers’ involvement.  Youth with caregiver support are more likely to admit their mistake plus learn new behaviors and skills faster. Caregivers should partner with the therapist to help develop treatment strategies and participate in sessions.  Other expectations of parents include: reading materials, talking about issues at home, implementing safety plans, changing the home environment if needed and providing the recommended amount of supervision.

6. It takes a long time to figure out the whole story.

It is very difficult to figure out the whole story; one must consider individual, family antime photod environmental factors.  Some children have so much shame from their behavior, that it delays their progress.  My experience has been that IF there are deeply hidden secrets, it takes months before they come out.  A child must first feel emotionally and physically safe in therapy AND at home.  Consequently, the treatment process can be long, usually 6 to 9 monthsof weekly sessions, and you will probably feel like quitting before treatment is over.  The benefit of sticking with it is knowing that you have done all you can to help your child have sexual respect and healthy sexuality during adolescence and adulthood.

7. The story usually gets complicated and messy.

There is almost always more than one reason why a child has acted out sexually.  Some children act out sexually as a result of being abused; usually there are other elements.   Your therapist will help identify factors that made your child vulnerable to having inappropriate sexual behaviors and problem solve ways to help. There are lots of things caregivers can do. Sexual behavior in children (before puberty) is different than in teens or adults due to the lack of hormones, i.e. there is no hormonal based “sex drive”.  However, children can be VERY compelled to initiate or participate in adult like sexual behaviors; it’s complicated.

8.  It takes more than just saying you are sorry.

Your child will need an individualized treatment plan after the evaluation.  Plus, if a child has been a victim of sexual abuse, those issues are also a part of therapy. All kids need to take responsibility for their problem behavior,  but I believe more is needed to provide complete healing.  Repairing their mistake by intentionally doing something positive reduces unhealthy shame for the behavior.  It takes some creativity and courage, but effective reparation can be very powerful. Other components of successful treatment include:  sex education, body ownership skills, following the privacy rules, improving peer relationships and self control strategies.

 

9. Balanced supervision is your new best friend.

Remember to stay balanced with supervision of your child.  First, please don’t pretend that this problem with sexual behavior never existed; your child is very likely to need some sort of supervision for a while, maybe even a long time.  Second, try not to be paranoid that your child is destined to do this again, and thus, never allow participation in age appropriate activities. Third, if your child does have another incident, be prepared ; it is difficult to change a behavior that is so physically rewarding.  Your therapist can help you know how to react to your child if you find them in another unhealthy sexual situation.

 10.  The story is still unfinished; there is hope for the future.

Just because your child has problems with sexual behavior or has had an arrest for child on child sexual assault now, does not mean they will have problems as an older teen or adult.  Research has shown that the earlier a child gets treatment, the better.  Statistically, a 7 yr. old child will have a 4-5 % chance and a 15 year old child will have a 9-13% chance of having sexual behavior problems in the future.  Some families have been traumatized for generations.  However, with lots of hard work, even families impacted by sibling incest can reunify and be grateful for their “new kind of normal”.  Restoring the family relationships in a healthy way will bless your children and the generations to come.

 

 

SHERYL OVERBY  MS  LIMHP  402-592-0328

WOODHAVEN COUNSELING ASSSOCIATES

OMAHA, NE

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Sexual Respect for Young Children

Maximizing Sexual Respect  for Children under 10

Sheryl Overby  MS  NCC  LIMHP

 If everyone in the world has sexual respect, then there would be no sexual abuse.  One of the best ways to help kids have healthy ideas about sexuality is to teach sexual respect.  The world and its “pornified culture” will have a huge impact, sure, but do all you can to minimize that impact by implementing ideas of sexual respect.

Here are my best tips…….

  • Clothing Choices:  It is a good idea for ALL family members to be conscious of what they wear outside of the bedroom. Seeing others in their underwear or pajamas may be over-stimulating to a child.  Reframe desire for clothing choices from sexual “hotness” to appropriateness for the event or comfort
  •  Language:  Suggestive, sexualized, objectifying or obscene language is not allowed from anyone.  Reframe focus of compliments from attractiveness to character strengths.
  • Objectification:  The concept that people are treated like objects, most typically a sexual object.  Do all you can to avoid this from a very early age.  The American culture is prevalent with pornography, sexualized media and the meeting of sexual desires with people outside of relationships.  But, it is more than sexual objects, so teachers are more than just teachers, waiters are more than just servers, husbands are more than a paycheck, etc.
  • Sexually explicit materials such as magazines, videos, catalogs, or TV programs should be completely eliminated from the household.  Don’t keep TV and Video game systems in your child’s room that have adult swim or internet access that they can use in the middle of the night.
  • Computer time should be monitored to make sure the youth is not “accidently” exposed to sexualized images.  Remember, the youth has more time, energy and motivation to break through the parental controls software than the parent has to maintain it.  This includes ALL MOBILE DEVICES and gaming devices.
  • Explain what you are doing  Kids want to know why.  Depending on their age, you can give varying degrees of explanations about why you are putting filters on the internet, or not allowing TVs in their room, etc.  Most of them will appreciate your involvement.   Go to commonsensemedia.com for videos you can show your kids about how sex is used for marketing and advertising.
  • Don’t use porn Sexual respect means ADULTS have sexual activity in a RELATIONSHIP with a REAL LIVE PERSON, not an image on the computer screen, which may or may not be real.  Make sure the adults in the child’s life model this message in their own behavior
  • Sex Education: All children need basic information about how they develop sexually.  They also will benefit from an atmosphere in which it is OK to talk about sex.  Appropriate words for body parts, such as penis, vagina, breasts, and buttocks, will give the child helpful words to use to describe themselves, especially if they have to talk about sexual behavior.  All children (any age) should have an age appropriate explanation for the sexual behavior that has been done to them if they have been abused by an older teen or adult.
  • Encourage them to Say NO Children need to learn that they have the right to assertively say “no” when someone touches them ANY WHERE or in ANY WAY they do not like. Help them to practice this. A youth should NEVER be pressured into touching someone or showing affection if they are not comfortable. If your child has been sexually abused, this is especially important that they can say NO in any type of situation they do not like.  This may include situations of feeling intimidated or taken advantage of.
  • Mutual Respect Among Siblings Sometimes intimidation is a part of a problematic sexual behavior.  This needs to be turned into mutual respect.  Encourage equality among siblings by giving younger children equal power when deciding family activities.  Teach the appropriate use of drawing straws, taking turns and rotating responsibilities.

 

  • Privacy for Children: Everyone has a right to privacy. Children should be taught to knock when a door is closed and adults need to role model the same behavior. Children also deserve to have privacy with their thoughts, feelings, personal belongings, personal space and time.  I am repeated this for a reason, Children also deserve to have privacy with their thoughts, feelings, personal belongings, personal space and time.  Think about it.  Children who have been abused or who have sexually harmed another person deserve the right to privacy when determining who needs to know about their history

 

  • Secrets:  Help the child understand the difference between secrecy, surprises and privacy; this is a tricky thing for all of us, frankly. This relates to gossip, tattling, reporting abuse and sharing feelings.  In general, it’s always OK to ask mom and dad for help to figure this one out.  Secrets are usually discouraged, privacy is usually encouraged and surprises are usually a lot of fun, except if there is a spider in bathtub.

 

  • Privacy for Adults: Don’t forget that adults need privacy too, especially if engaged in sexual activity.  Lock the bedroom door always and make sure children cannot hear sexually related noises.  This is extremely overwhelming and arousing for a youth who may not have a healthy understanding of sexuality.
  •  Follow the 9 Rules:  See Handout on the 9 Rules that May Prevent Sexual Abuse
  • Practice Critical Thinking: Ask your child why they think the strawberry commercial pretends to be sexual or why a restaurant wants their waitresses to look a certain way.  Ask your child why they think a swimsuit top for a 2nd grader would have padding or ask about the current jokes kids tell at school.  The goal is to help your child think; send the message that they have a choice about their sexual behavior, their sexual thoughts and their sexual gender issues.  Things they will have a long time to figure out if they wait until they are grown up to share their bodies with someone.
  • BE PEPARED:  Now that your child knows they can talk to you, knows they have a choice, be prepared to have lots more discussions with them about their sexual choices and the sexual messages in society when they are teenagers. That’s a whole ‘nother paper and much more complicated, so come find me when they are about 11 or 12, I’ll have something on sheryloverby.com.
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My Favorite Resources 2021

Sheryl Overby’s Personally Recommended

Resources 

 

I keep a running lost of resources that are I use personally and recommend often to other professionals or consumers/clients.  If you know of an especially great resource, please let me know via email.  We need all the help we can get and sharing resources is something we can all do. Click on the link below to get my latest list of resources concerning sexual respect, sexual health, sexuality, youth culture and sexual behavior problems….

Sheryl’s favorite resources (2021)

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Sexual Boundaries in the Foster or Adoptive Home

Encouraging Healthy Sexual Boundaries In the Foster Home

SHERYL OVERBY  MS  NCC  LIMHP  www.sheryloverby.com

Woodhaven Counseling Associates  402-592-0328

 

All humans have to learn boundaries, either by modeling or teaching in early childhood; it simply is not something hardwired into the brain.  It would be nice if all the youth who come to your home had good boundaries, but chances are, you will have some work to do.    Since part of the definition of healthy sexuality is that it happens in private, most children and teens simply do not know that there is anything other than what they have seen in their history or via our current American sexualized culture.  Families are the perfect place to offer an alternative and healthy view of sexuality.  Here are my best tips on how to help the kids in your home.

#1 Create an Atmosphere of Sexual Respect

Sexual Respect

  1. Do not allow suggestive or obscene language from anyone of any age. This includes sexual innuendos and jokes that creates the message that sex is an everyday thing.
  2. Do all you can to avoid objectification, which is seeing a person as an object, most typically a sexual object.
  3. Sexually explicit materials such photos, videos, catalogs, music, computer games or TV programs should be completely eliminated from the household, and the garage, and underneath the seat in your truck.
  4. Reinforce healthy messages like: “every person, young and old, deserves to have their body respected and sex is a great and wonderful thing for adults, when they think and think about when to share their bodies” or “sex can be a special way to connect to another person, but now is not the time for you”.
  5. It is difficult to traverse the wide gap between clothing fashion trends and sexual respect, but you gotta try. It is important for both girls and boys to know a) That even if a girl wears something sexually provocative, it does not give anyone the right to abuse her AND b) That boys (especially age 11-14) have erections at seeing even the slightest bit of cleavage and the girls can help them out by not wearing sexually provocative clothing AND c) That even if something is in style, it is not allowed if it contributes to the objectification of that person, male or female.

Sex Education

  1. All children need basic information about how they develop sexually. Make sure they have an age appropriate book that they can keep in their room and look at any time to answer their questions about sex.
  2. They also will benefit from an atmosphere in which it is OK to talk about sex, but you will have to bring up the subject often so they know it is OK to talk about it. Sometimes, you will be the one doing all the talking.
  3. Appropriate words for body parts, such as penis, vagina, breasts, and buttocks, will give the youth helpful words to use to describe themselves, especially if they have to talk about sexual activity or sexual abuse.

Saying NO

  1. Youth need to learn that they have the right to assertively say “no” when someone touches them ANY WHERE or in ANY WAY they do not like. Help them to practice this with peers, siblings and adults.
  2. A youth should NEVER be pressured into touching someone or showing affection if they are not comfortable.
  3. For teenagers, both young women and young men need to know that NO MEANS NO.
  4. Remind everyone that all sexual activity is consented by both parties every single time, even between a couple who has been together for years and years. Both parties have the freedom to say yes, and both parties have the freedom to say no.

 

#2 New Rules to Prevent Future Problems

Being Alone With One Other Person

  1. If your youth has problematic sexual behaviors or if they behave seductively or aggressively, they need direct supervision! This means they are never alone with another child and sometimes this includes older children and other adults.
  2. You may need to be able to both SEE and HEAR everything your youth does and says when they are with others. This eliminates any anxiety when confused or ambivalent about the intent of a behavior.
  3. Consult a therapist to decide the supervision needs of a child with a history of sexual abuse. Some youth need very little, others need very firm limits and structure.
  4. The goal of supervision is to have “in the moment coaching” for problem solving, social skills and to help them manage feelings.
  5. Siblings are not allowed to provide supervision; this alters the family dynamic and creates an unhealthy balance among siblings that could facilitate additional problems.
  6. Remember, children do not need “foreplay” in order to have a desire for sexual behavior, it only takes a child about 12 seconds to invade another child’s boundary or body.

Touching

  1. All children need NON SEXUAL touch. If a youth’s only form of affection in the past has been via sexuality, they will need to learn how to show and receive affection in non-sexual ways again and again, and again.
  2. Do not be afraid to touch your child or teen, however, it is advised that the touching be interruptible or observable. Please consult with the youth’s therapist to identify what types of touch will be the most helpful.
  3. Help your youth learn the appropriate use of all different types of healthy touch. They include: affection, brotherly love, comfort, friendship, encouragement, comradery, greetings, praise, nurturing and playfulness.
  4. Be cautious about wrestling and tickling, as common as these behaviors are, they are often tinged with sexual overtones and can put a younger child in a weak or humiliating position.
  5. Do not allow other children to sit on the lap of a youth with sexualized behavior.
  6. Adults in the home should also show NON SEXUAL affection towards each other in front of the children (hugging, holding hands, light kissing). They can learn that affection is a part of sexual activity, but not always, and there is a way for a couple to show affection in public that is NON SEXUAL.

Privacy

  1. Everyone has a right to privacy. All the youth in your home should be taught to knock when a door is closed and adults need to role model the same behavior. Modesty is the best policy.
  2. Young people also deserve to have privacy with their thoughts, feelings, personal belongings, personal space and time.
  3. Children and teens who have been abused or who have sexually harmed another person deserve the right to privacy when determining who needs to know about their history.
  4. Don’t forget that adults need privacy too, especially if engaged in sexual activity. Lock the bedroom door always and make sure children cannot hear sexually related noises.  This is extremely overwhelming and arousing for a youth who may not have a healthy understanding of sexuality.
  5. In general, it is recommended that youth who are already confused about sexuality have separate bedrooms and bathroom time. Every child needs a place and time when they can be alone and have personal time.
  6. If a youth is scared at night, work out a plan to help them feel safe without sleeping in bed with another person.
  7. Post and enforce the list of PRIVACY RULES for children and older youth; see handout attached.

 

#3 Interrupt Patterns of Unhealthy Sexual Behavior

Manage Arousal

  1. Help children and teens differentiate between feelings and behaviors. It is normal to have all kinds of feelings, including sexual feelings.  However, everyone does not always act on all the feelings he or she has.
  2. Remember girls gets just as aroused as boys, it’s just not visible. Both boys and girls need to understand what is happening in their bodies and to know how they should react.
  3. Some children and teens need very specific instructions on how to distract themselves when aroused and how to decide when it’s OK or not OK to touch themselves or masturbate.
  4. Youth who have been sexually abused may have trauma related flashbacks associated with arousal. It is very important to change this pattern if they are to have a healthy sex life with a partner as an adult.  Please seek the assistance of a therapist if you think this is happening.
  5. If a child (before puberty) is touching their own private parts, it is for very different reasons than a teen or adult due to the lack of hormones and sex drive. I prefer the term “self touch” rather than “masturbation”.
  6. Young children really benefit from having relaxing activities or physical activities that will change the body’s arousal pattern. Give them a list of things that they can do without permission.
  7. Both children and teens need to know the dos and don’ts regarding touching themselves, proper hygiene and how to properly care for the private parts of their bodies.
  8. Helping your child with arousal will go along way to prevent child on child sexual assault or problematic sexual beheavior (psb).

 

Understand that sexuality fills an emotional void; then fill that void in non-sexual ways

  1. Need for love and belonging. Help each youth create connections with adults in non-sexual ways, so they feel attachment and caring from others. Remember that sexuality imitates the feeling of closeness and love in the brain.  Many kids in foster care are horribly lonely; but convince themselves that they don’t need friends.
  2. Need to feel competent.  Help the kids in your home find something they are good at and encourage them. Help them fit in with at least one friend or join a club or team with a shared activity.
  3. Need for comfort when upset or stressed. Many children’s first choice of comfort is self-touch, please help them learn other ways to comfort themselves without feeling shame or embarrassment.
  4. Need for power. A person who has been abused will naturally want to compensate my controlling something else.  Give your youth something to be “in charge of” and ask for their advice regarding this subject. Teach the appropriate use of drawing straws, taking turns and rotating responsibilities so the foster youth have equal power with other siblings.
  5. Need for play and fun. Playing and having fun is one of the best ways to release stress or simply enjoy yourself.  The second best way to release stress and enjoy yourself (at least for adults) is by having sex.
  6. Need for sensory pleasure. Let’s face it, sex feels good, your body feels good and your brain is filled with endorphins.  But there are other ways to also get pleasure through the senses.
  7. Need for affection. Sometimes the need for affection is directly confused with feeling aroused and what the youth actually needs is nurturing or cuddling.  This is a little tricky in a foster home setting, as cuddling may be confused for sexual intentions and advice from a therapist or service provider is recommended.
  8. Need to avoid feeling intense pain. Being pre-occupied with sexuality fills the empty spaces in your brain so you don’t have to think about the pain in your life. Help the youth find other ways to fill this space with hobbies or other interests; better yet, help them learn to tolerate the pain in small doses and express emotions in healthy ways.
  9. Need to feel safe. In order for a child to develop emotionally, they must feel physically and emotionally safe. That means there is no threat of further abuse, shame or guilt.  Sexuality can become a coping skill by manipulating others; which also protects the youth from feeling vulnerable or weak.

Stop/Limit use of Pornography

  1. Computer and internet time should be monitored to the best of your ability. Remember, the youth has more time, energy and motivation to break through the parental controls software than the parent has to maintain it.
  2. The absolute best defense is your relationship with the youth in your home, not punishments. Talk, teach, coach, and help your youth manage what they are exposed to on the internet and how to interact with others in safe and healthy ways.
  3. Girls are just as likely to get involved in pornography as boys. In my experience, boys tend to search for porn online and girls tend to find it by accident.  But once they get exposed, they can’t resist wanting to see more.
  4. Please be willing to talk to them about what happens online and in social media, or find someone who will.
  5. 93% of teens use the internet every day and 24% use it “almost constantly”. It’s almost a full time job to manage the social media the youth in your home will have access to.  Even if it’s only via friends’ phones and the internet at school. So, welcome to your new hobby.
  6. Be informed about Cyber-bullying and sexting, which are both much more common than sexual predators online. This directly ties into emotional needs as described above.
  7. It’s a whole new world. Studies in 2013 found that 59% of children are using social networking by age 10 and 75% of children age 0 to 8 use mobile devices that can access the internet.   Children and teens have no idea that the sexual images that they will see online do not happen in real life, in healthy relationships.  This has the ripple effect of damaging future relationships.
  8. Pornography is the exact opposite of sexual respect. Healthy sexuality means ADULTS have sexual activity in a RELATIONSHIP with a REAL LIVE PERSON, not an image on the computer screen, which may or may not be real.  Make sure the adults in the youth’s life model this message in their own behavior.
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New Rules After Problematic Sexual Behaviors (PSB)

Updated November 2019

A child or teen who has acted out sexually will benefit from clear guidelines that set the rules for their behavior. These kinds of rules provide the structure, comfort and security all children need to grow into healthy adults. This is a very long list and does not apply to every family, please seek the guidance of a professional counselor to decide which rules can be the most helpful according to your situation.   This list is prioritized by importance and is meant to be used in conjunction with the  Privacy Rules Cards and A Letter to Caregivers About Supervision and Safety.

Sexual Respect

The exact opposite of sexual abuse is sexual respect.  One positive message is: “every person, young and old, deserves to be respected and sex is a great and wonderful thing for adults, when they think and think about when to share their bodies”. Do all you can to avoid objectification, which is seeing a person as an object, most typically a sexual object. The American culture is prevalent with pornography, sexualized media and the meeting of sexual desires with people outside of relationships.

  • Suggestive, sexual or obscene language is not allowed from anyone. 
  • Sexually explicit (Rated R or Mature) materials such as magazines, catalogs, TV programs, you tube videos, movies (some PG-13),video games and music should be completely eliminated from the household.

Being Alone With One Other Person

If your child has problematic sexual behaviors (PSB) or has been arrested for child on child sexual assault,  or if they behave seductively or aggressively, they need direct supervision! This means they are never alone with another child and sometimes this includes older children and other adults.The goal is to teach problem solving, social skills and help them manage feelings. This eliminates the possibility of false allegations or confusion about the intent of a behavior.

  • An adult or approved chaperone must supervise the youth with PSB when they are with younger children.  The adult may need to be able to both SEE and HEAR everything the youth does and says, depending on the situation.
  • The supervision must be done by someone who is familiar with the child’s problem.
  • Siblings are not allowed to provide supervision; this alters the family dynamic and creates an unhealthy balance among siblings that could facilitate additional problems.
  • Adults will provide pre-teaching, coaching and/or feedback to the child as they learn to interact with others.
  • If two children have engaged in sexual behaviors, they will NOT be alone together until they are both 18.

Sexual Arousal

Help children differentiate between feelings and behaviors. It is normal to have all kinds of feelings, including sexual feelings. However, everyone does not always act on all the feelings he or she has.  Make sure the youth knows how to react to feeling aroused and has the opportunity to excuse themselves from difficult situations. Touching your own private parts is very different for children than adults due to the lack of hormones and sex drive so I prefer the term “genital stimulation” rather than “masturbation”.

  • Children and teens need very specific and individualized instructions on how to distract themselves when aroused sexually.
  • The child or teen will have a list of things that they can do without permission, examples include: puzzles, games, drawing, jumping rope, swinging or riding bikes.
  • Help the youth understand that “It is OK to touch yourself if you are in private and it does not interfere with other fun things like playing with friends”.
  • If a teenage youth is going to be discouraged by caregivers from masturbating, this should be discussed in private with the therapist as this may contribute to the youth having MORE problems with sexual behavior.

Technology

Sexual respect means ADULTS have sexual activity in a RELATIONSHIP with a REAL LIVE PERSON, not an image on the computer screen, which may or may not be real. Make sure the adults in the youth’s life model this message in their own behavior. Technology and managing mobile devices are tricky because all kids are connected to their friends and school through their phones or the computer.  However, intentional or accidental exposure to pornography or unhealthy sexualized images (pornography) is a factor in almost all cases of PSB.  Remember, the youth has more time, energy and motivation to break through the parental controls software than the parent has to maintain it.

  • All computer time should be monitored to make sure the youth is not “accidently” exposed to more sexualized images.
  • Parental control software should be installed and monitored by a knowledgeable adult on all devices including the WiFi network in your home.
  • Provide education and alternatives to digital media for the youth if they cannot resist the temptation to seek out pornography.
  • If the youth has been desensitized to sexualized images (pornography) obtained through digital media, then they need a “technology diet”.
  • Teach the youth about how to be a good online citizen.

Sex Education

All children, including the youth with sexualized behavior, need basic information about how they develop sexually. They also will benefit from an atmosphere in which it is OK to talk about sex.

  • Appropriate words for body parts, such as penis, vagina, breasts, and buttocks will be used.
  • All children (any age) should know the meaning and the appropriate terms for the sexual behavior that has been done to them or that they have done to others.
  • Every child or teen should have an age appropriate, caregiver approved book about sex education that they can have unlimited access to.  The best place for this book may or may not be in the child’s bedroom, depending on the situation.

Privacy

Everyone has a right to privacy. Children who have been abused or who have sexually harmed another person deserve the right to privacy when determining who needs to know about their history.  It may or may not be appropriate to share with others your child’s need for supervision.  A good phrase to explain things is “We have had a problem with using good judgement so we are keeping a closer eye on things”.

  • Children are to knock when a door is closed and adults need to role model the same behavior.
  • Reinforce that “It is NOT OK to look at other people’s private parts or show your parts to someone else unless there is a medical reason”.
  • Children deserve to have privacy with their thoughts, feelings, personal belongings, personal space and time.
  • If adults are engaged in sexual activity, they will lock the bedroom door always and make sure children cannot hear sexually related noises. 
  • Adults will help the youth understand the “fine line” between secrecy and privacy. This relates to gossip, tattling, reporting abuse and sharing feelings.

Mutual Respect

Sometimes intimidation is a part of a youth’s problematic sexual behavior. This needs to be turned into mutual respect. A simple definition of mutual respect is “what’s important to you– is important to me”. A youth does not get more respect or less respect due to their problematic sexual behavior. In some situations within a family, everyone has an equal vote, everyone’s opinion counts, and the parents have the power to “veto”

  • Encourage equality among siblings by giving younger children equal power when deciding family activities.
  • Adults will teach the appropriate use of drawing straws, taking turns and rotating responsibilities.
  • A youth with sexualized behavior should not have any authority or a supervisory role over younger children.
  • Babysitting is not recommended, under any circumstances or even for a short time, this includes “watching” a younger sibling when mom or dad is busy etc.

Touching

Children with sexualized behavior need lots of NON SEXUAL touch. They need to feel affection, friendship, caring and love in non sexual ways. Please consult with the youth’s therapist to identify what types of touch will be the most helpful.  Youth should learn that affection is a part of sexual activity, but not always, and there is a way to show affection in public that is NON SEXUAL. If your child has also been sexually abused, this is especially important that they can say NO in situations they do not like. This may include situations of feeling intimidated or taken advantage of.

  • No one should touch another person without permission. Everyone should ask for hugs.
  • Children have the right to assertively say “no” when someone touches them ANY WHERE or in ANY WAY they do not like. Adults will help them to practice this.
  • Adults and older youth will NEVER pressure a child into touching someone or showing affection if they are not comfortable.
  • Adults in the home can show NON SEXUAL affection towards each other in front of the children (hugging, holding hands, light kissing).
  • Do not allow children to sit on the lap of another youth.

Clothing

It is a good idea for ALL family members to be conscious of what they wear.  Clothing choices and attire worn inside and outside the home should contribute to sexual respect.  One concept for discussion is the difference between being “sexy” or “hot” and engaging in sexual activity with others.  Is it reasonable to expect someone to look “sexy” and not be “sexual”?

  • Maintain modesty with clothing, wearing robes over pajamas and being mindful of quotes and sayings on t-shirts, etc.

Wrestling and Tickling

As common and normal as these childhood behaviors are, they are often tinged with sexual overtones. They can put the weaker child in an overpowered and uncomfortable or humiliating position. Touching of private parts can be “accidental” or not accidental and justified as tickling. Use good judgment when deciding if a youth should play sports or games with younger children if there is a lot of physical contact, such as football, swimming, sardines, and three legged races.

  • Tickling and wrestling is not allowed.

Bedrooms and Bathrooms

In general, it is recommended that children who are already confused about sexuality have separate bedrooms and bathroom time.  These two locations are often the site for sexual behaviors, so they might trigger flashbacks/memories or strong emotions when the child or children are in the rooms again.

  • Decide which rooms in the house are private or public; obviously the bathroom is private, but the need or insistence on using locks should be discussed.
  • Bedrooms and basements also need clarification about whom enters and under what circumstances.
  • A youth with PSB should never enter the bedroom of  a younger youth unless an adult is present.

The rationale for these rules is similar to other safety rules in modern society: wearing seat belts, following TSA rules at the airport and random drug screenings for hazardous jobs.  Even if you can trust the person, you still follow safety rules so that everyone can remain safe and no one has to spend even one minute worrying about the possibility of harmful sexual behavior in the future.

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How to Reach Me

I basically have three avenues for employment; doing clinical work at Woodhaven Counseling Associates,  providing Training and Education for Lutheran Family Services’ RSafe Program, and doing other types of training and workshops in the community.  It’s a little tricky to know where I am located on any given day, but here are the various ways you can get in contact with me… updated 11/7/2019

Woodhaven Counseling Associates

(Tuesday, Thursday & sometimes Saturdays)

The front office staff handles all questions about insurance, my schedule, and availability for new clients.  If   you  want me  to  provide  training  or  consultation  independently  (not  associated  with  LFS)  then  please  email  me  at Woodhaven.  If  the  matter  is  an  emergency,  please  have  the  front  desk  or  the  answering  service  try  to  contact  me.

Email:  soverby@woodhavencounseling.com

12001 Q Street   Omaha, NE  68137

ph:  402-592-0328   fax:  402-592-4170

Lutheran Family Services/RSAFE Program

(Totally varies and I check my email about 3 times per week)

Michelle Book runs the training program at LFS and she can let you know what trainings are coming up that I might be associated with.

Email:  soverby@lfsneb.org

11807 Q Street   Omaha, NE  68137

 

 

 

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